Peer Review by SunV (United States)

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college admissions essay? (please review, this is so important to me!)

By: gabimarie


    I’m the only brunette in a family of blondes. It’s not something that’s particularly noticeable anymore, especially as my parents and siblings get older. But it’s always something that I’m constantly aware of. Adopted out of foster care at age six, I have noticed the differences between my family and me more than I would like to admit.
    There’s a general consensus that adoption is good, and every child who has adopted needs to feel happy and grateful at all times. I don’t exactly agree with that. 
    I felt abandoned by my birth mom. At times, I even viewed the adoption as my fault. If only I had been better. If only she had loved me more. I constantly blamed myself for not being good enough for my own mother. If I wasn’t wanted by my mom, who would want me? I tore down my self-esteem, looking instead for validation from external sources. I would change personalities around people to be well-liked, and all of this was by age 13.
    I isolated myself from the people around me, never allowing anyone to get too close. As someone who didn’t have someone they could to turn, I turned to writing and music for solicitude. The artist on the radio was the only person who understood me, and my notebook was the only person who would listen to what I had to say.
    The difficulty was that the only place I felt comfortable opening up in was my writing. I didn’t know how to talk to the people around me or even my parents. I had no idea how to be vulnerable with them. I could write every emotion down perfectly on a piece of paper, and even make it rhyme with six syllables in each line. But I could never talk to my parents.
    What’s interesting about my childhood and the person I am now is that so much has changed. If my twelve-year-old self saw me now, I can’t say that she’d be able to recognize me. I’ve got nine piercings and I’m really outspoken. I don’t change myself for others anymore, and I’m taking steps to move forward from my adoption. I am so much more open with my parents, and I’ve realized that they fought for me, and they wanted me. And, when it comes to family, that’s all that really matters. 
    A songwriter is putting their heart and soul into the words that they write. Meaning is packed behind every syllable, and every note is necessary to tell their story. I can’t say that I know what my journey will look like. I have no idea what the end of my story is. But I want to write the end of my story the way I want. I want to write a song at the end of my life and be proud of each note. I want to look in the mirror in ten years and see the girl from middle school, the girl from high school, and the girl from college, and be proud. 
    Why Tulane? Because I want to be myself. I’ve spent so long pretending to be who everyone wanted me to be, and I don’t want to be that fake person anymore. As much as I’ve changed in the past few years, I know I’ll grow even more, and I want to grow alongside people who will support me in every step. I know Tulane will help me grow into the person my parents can be proud of. Tulane will help me grow into someone who I can be proud of, and that’s all I can ask for.

hi loves! so, i'm a senior in high school, and my dream school is tulane university in the US. this is the rough rough draft of my admissions essay. if y'all could leave a review or just put some feedback in the comments, that would mean the WORLD to me, as i want this to be as perfect as possible before applying November first. have an amazing day <3

Peer Review

The topic you chose to write about in the essay was really intriguing, and well executed! I love how you've taken us through your years, from a child to the young adult you are now, and the imagery you've used made us feel like we were watching it happen. Great job!

When you revise this, I'd mainly love to see a more tied together ending. All the points you've mentioned throughout the essay really caught my eye, but the ending felt a bit too abrupt and not very finished. You talk about writing, focusing on songwriting in particular, and if you have the space, you could maybe try adding some more details as to what you've achieved as writer/songwriter. Also, as mentioned in the comments, the connection to Tulane seemed a bit sudden, what if you were to add in another paragraph as a connecter?

Reviewer Comments

Firstly, I know nothing about college admissions, I'm not even halfway through high school, so I reviewed this as another writer, and not a college admissions officer. So take all of my points thinking of another writer. All my suggestions are only suggestions, feel free to take them or ignore them. And all the best with your application, I hope you get in!!!