two_fifths_of_a_star (bird)

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Hii! Have a great day and drink lots of water :). Irl friends with high horizons. (psa: do not believe high horizons, I do not own Marco Island cause it's an island and nobody I know including myself and family has that much money. high horizons also thinks hard shell tacos are better than soft shell which is also not true)

"respect the lgbtq, or i will cook you. its not a rhyme its a threat." -phantomlndy

the trains outside my window

January 24, 2023

FREE WRITING

1
    i had always been able to see the train from my window, no matter where i lived. the same train, too; i've lived in the same town for over half my life. every morning, i would wake up and the trains would be there and it felt like magic, like they were there just for me. and behind them the most beautiful sunrises were painted onto the sky as if a bunch of dead artists were giving me a message from heaven. when my sister and i shared a room, we were so young. every day we would look out our windows to see the trains right there. they felt close enough to touch. we were fascinated by (and a bit terrified of) the big, loud locomotives. they were smooth and sleek and new, and if you went down to the little building by the ticket station, there was a fabrics store. we would run our hands over the foreign textures and play fashion designer when we got home. 
    
    by the time we moved again, my sister and i had both aged, and she was no longer the youngest. we had a new little sister who had grown quite a bit. they shared a room, but i got my own. i still could see one of the trains through my bedroom window, and i looked for it every day because i am not one to let go of these habits. it made me happy to see the train still there, albeit a little further away. other things were changing, too. the fabric shop was replaced by a big restaurant/bar. the food is delicious to this day, but i prefer the stillness of the dimly-lit fabric store, and i was sad to see it go. i never did become a fashion designer.

    the next house i lived in was much further away from the train station. i still had my own room but i could no longer see the trains each morning. i could hear them, though, and i was willing to compromise. the new house was around lots of people and places and things and i could not bring myself to dislike the location as my family did. i have always loved to be surrounded by people and nature at the same time, so this was a treat for me. i overlooked the fact that i had not lived in a non-rental home in ten years and moved about every two years upon the promise that "this will be the one". it wasn't. 

    after a long journey, we really did find "the one". but i cannot see or hear the trains, and it gives me an unyielding premonition that rattles me to my bones. i am much different than i was when i could see the trains in my window, but still the same. an era has ended, and not the taylor swift kind; the kind that means i can never return to that part of my life or childhood no matter how i try. i never realized how much structure the trains provided until they were gone. this much can be said about many things in life, but this realization was profound to me because it symbolized many other things. despite this sadness, i am grateful to be able to start a new chapter and move on. and i could always visit the train station if i really wanted to.

 

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  • January 24, 2023 - 9:58pm (Now Viewing)

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